October 19, 2023
In a few hours I’ll do chemo round 13. Three left after today. I’d love to say that I’m so totally in control of everything and kicking cancer’s butt however this week I just didn’t feel that way. In fact this week I felt frankly pissed off. Monday I did a long good melt down cry and that just isn’t like me but in reflection I’m trying to cut myself some slack. The pain is getting worse and instead of 2 bad days it’s Sunday- Thursdays of bad days. The short term symptoms I have always been able to rise above. I can deal with muscle pain, hair loss, nausea, shortness of breath and fatigue as I know those will go away a few weeks/ months after chemo ends. It’s the long term damage effects that really gets to me.
Those long term issues are starting to really ramp up and lead me to be real frustrated this week. There are three of them. First, I’ve developed neuropathy of hands and feet. It varies in severity but at it’s worse I needed to think about walking. My toes, instep, and heal are numb and tingling. I have to focus when I walk and I’m scared if it’ll get worse and if so by how much. Often this nerve damage does not improve, but I can sure hope that it might. At the worst my fingers are so numb that it’s a challenge to type, text, or even use the remote control for the TV. Granted this feeling is still new to me and the human body can adjust amazingly well but I’m scared if my hands will get worse too.
The second issue is my ears. They started ringing three or so weeks ago. At first I thought I might have an ear infection but that is not the case, I’ve had them looked at twice. I’ve come to learn that sometimes chemo damages the inner ear causing life long hearing loss. I have an appointment with an ear doctor on Halloween to confirm this. I’m very frustrated with this. I half joked with Nick that if this ringing doesn’t stop I’m going to find myself in a padded room rocking myself back and forth. It’s so annoying. It’s sure possible that this could improve so I have hope but the potential of it being life long is another thing that made me mad this week.
The last long term symptom is lymphedema. The Radiologist confirmed that between my history of lymphedema, Family history, full lymph node surgery in December and radiation I should fully plan for severe lymphedema in the left arm. Not the end of the world, and there are things I can control to manage but on top of the ears, hands and feet- I’m frustrated.
Part of me is just shocked that in 2023, the best we can do for cancer is destroy many parts of the body and just hope cancer cells die along the way. Many of the women I’ve met during this journey have life long disabilities from the treatment. In fact most that I have some issues they managed daily. It’s just mind boggling. I was so ignorant at the beginning, it’s not a year long journey. The medicines taken after active treatment are hard core on side effects and those go for 5-10 years on top of all parts that are forever damaged. Of course we do anything to live but depressing that we need to give up hearing, sense of touch and potentially our mobility to get there. I sure hope all these turn around and that I’m a lucky one.
Man, I’m a downer today, apologies. This week I’ve had to proactively provoke positive thoughts, something that usually is natural. I tell myself, “there is no certainly these issues won’t improve or go away”. “Just focus on today and today I got this”. “Not too much longer now and I’ll be done with the worst part.”
On a positive note, my hair is starting to grow back. Not sure why but I’ll take it. A few more weeks and I may have enough to dye pink. 🙂 I appreciate each of you! I’m sorry for being negative but I also want to be honest in this journey with you. My hope is that this next week I keep my eyes on each day and not stress about that I can’t control in the future.
God is good, all the time. I may not be strong all the time but He is. I don’t understand everything but He does.
My Journey 